OKey; it’s been a while since I wanted to do that…to share my wonderful experience of meeting my truly self. I beg a pardon from the very beginning for my English 🙂 Almost two years ago it did start…I’ve been living in Shanghai for 2 years already, full of love and hate…I’ve been going through constant rollercoaster: to be or not to be there…living the dream, and living in a dream..

In my blog I would like to share my experience of coping with panic disorder and anxiety which entered my life unexpectedly and unwelcome.

I got message on WhatsApp from my Mom that my father had stroke and been hospitalized. With 5 hours differences I stayed uncertain of the situation. Luckily it passed without major damages for him and he is safe and sound for now. But we should keep this story in mind in order to see the correlation.

After a while I started to feel discomfort in my head, my eyes were tingling, I couldn’t really focus and I had nightmares…I could stop myself of falling asleep because I was afraid to die while I sleep…I didn’t pay proper attention, although went to consult with doctor. Miss Lee was nice and said that it’s just a fatigue; many foreigners suffer from it. And advice was very simple: Quit your job and get married. I doubt that’s the best way to treat this condition. She also prescribed me some pills against high blood pressure and sleeping pills as zolpidem. First one I immediately threw away, the second one decided to try as I was willing to have decent sleep. It actually helped for few days and I stopped using these drugs.

Jobwise April was full of big things. We’ve got summit, we’ve got visitors at the same time, lots of reports, arrangements, pressure etc. Too much, but I loved it. Even I was trying to fix my inner conflict and manage emotions towards facts…was not an easy task always.

Day X when I had to fly to Hong Kong was approaching…and I was half ready to welcome my colleagues at Shanghai. Good for me a very good friend of mine decided to extend his business trip and spend a weekend together. It was a blast, we had one crazy night after which I felt completely destroyed the following day. Though it was not a kind of typical hangovers I used to have. That was something else, I literally was about to die…and was scared to death feeling sensations in my body. This condition softened with time…but still I was not feeling fit at all for going for my business trip.

First time in my life I had to cancel it. I arrived to the airport, feeling ripple in my temples, frustration, anxiety (I didn’t know that this was my emotion by then)…I just was not feeling comfortable with the idea of flying and I called my Boss…”if you’re not feeling well, you’re not flying…easy…” I made drama on my mind, created thousand stories of what everybody would think of me…and that wasn’t helpful at all.

Nevertheless…I did tranquil, stopped by the doctor again…noted marriage advice one more time and went for dinner with my friend.

That night I had more or less restful sleep.